DIRT UNDER MY FINGERNAILS

He's the dirt under my fingernails

Nothing left of us...

But filth.

I put in work

And all I have to show for it

Is a Hallmark card 

signed sincerely, 

instead of love. 

He's the "FUCK"

He's the "HATE"

The cursing in the truck

The refusal to compromise

Years worth of lies. 

He's a heart racing

When he appears there...

My captivated attention

While he gives me a blank stare.

A slut in disguise

In white Hanes underwear.

He's the cute voicemail

I can't seem to delete,

It's been several weeks

But the thought him

Still makes me weak. 

He's humiliation

in front of friends

A phony for the camera lens...

Liberation 

I thought I'd get 

When I moved on...

But I miss his quick wit.

Miss how his nose folds

When he smiles...

Yet I remember

Crying on bathroom floor tiles,

Indifference in the other room.

He was a miracle 

But also a miserable 

regret.

The touch felt real

But words performed like alibi's.

Only one hit of him

Got me high

But he was a drug

so feelings weren't legitimized. 

He's the only one 

who made me feel anything,

Whether love or hate

I couldn't get off his ride,

Just wish I'd noticed 

he wasn't tall enough to ride mine.

But he was big enough for some things,

and the man could wine and dine...

Hell I don't mind paying the fine

For his petty mind crimes...

Because for once in my life

I was effected on the inside. 

 He's the sweat stains on my tee shirt

The holes in my soles

A million miles of feelings

and I'm broke from all the tolls.

His kisses masked 

an apathetic mind

If I'd only noticed the grime

on his fraudulent road signs,

I wouldn't be here

Sulking over lost time. 

On second thought,

Dirt aint nothing

But shit needing to be cleaned

And I've got antibacterial soap

on my team.

I'll wash him away

One finger a day

Washing my hands of him.

Scrubbing and rubbing

until I'm ready for REAL lovin',

He can keep on

Cackling with his coven...

Because his dirt 

His hurt

His hall of mirrors tour

won't live here no more.

No more bullshit at my door!

.

THE JASON COLLINS EFFECT

Let's call him Cadillac. His eyes were beautiful, deep, dark, but dirty. I was just a teenager and he was only a few years from thirty. I couldn't wait to get out of classes to wait for his Cadillac to pick me up from the subway station. I felt rebellious because I knew it was wrong, at least according to society.
It was anything but a relationship, though he swore he loved me. The tinted windows of his whip hid me from the outside world, a place which he felt we didn't belong. I was his shame. Not only was he more interested in being someone else, his high profile career subliminally directed him to perform the role of a heterosexual. What would his radio DJ friend say? What about his brothers? Not to mention his employer...

What looks good, isn't always good for you...

I kept telling myself that the kisses were real and the love he claimed he had for me came from his heart. I wasn't allowed to exit his vehicle when he'd made a stop at Walmart. Dinner dates included a Checkers drive-thru with a hood over my head...and later, a good fuck to the music of R. Kelly.

The downlow lifestyle is a sad one, pathetic if you ask me. The lies they tell to others are nothing compared to the lies they tell themselves. Now I admit, I was naive, but I was just the prey, young and feeling at ease. My love for the alpha male introduced me to a plethora of bedrooms. I've even fucked beside a nightstand where a WIFE in a frame would smile at me ignorantly.

There was a local celebrity, tall, handsome with hair long and a personality that everyone adored. There was a policeman, a drug dealer and a minister. These weren't relationships, not in the slightest, how could they be? Most of them didn't even know my last name, they didn't care to. Cadillac did, he knew everything about me, even my family tree. But a real relationship doesn't involve shame of the other person. It doesn't involve more sex than intimate conversation.

When I think of Jason Collins, I am excited to know that progress is being made. How could Cadillac feel comfortable being gay when there were none in professional sports who dared to raise their hand? He didn't see himself on the court, so he became what they expected. Collins is a small step in the right direction where a gay man does not equate to a man with a purse.

The reality is, gay men come in many forms, just like heterosexuals. Some are soft, some are strong, some are funny and some are introverted. Yes the flamboyant ones always make the T.V. screen, but the masculine ones still exist behind the scenes. What young men need is to be able to see that they can grow up as THEMSELVES and still be a man; still be NORMAL and still have cheering fans.

It took a lot of courage for Collins to reveal himself. I know what Cadillac went through and all I could see was hurt. He was afraid of losing all of his credibility. But what the world needs to understand is...
It doesn't take a heterosexual to be talented, endearing and overwhelmingly human.

Being young and dumb put me in a lot of unfortunate paths. This is why I'm in my late twenties and I've never had a relationship. I've had a lot of sex, but never quite have been able to find love or anything close to it. I've been told that one receives what they put out there...
So am I giving SLUT? LOL

Jason Collins as a Washington Wizard

I think I simply always wanted what I thought I couldn't have...and in actuality, I couldn't have these men, at least not completely. I wanted those ballers on the courts, I wanted the guy who winked at me while dining with his wife. I wanted to see what it was like to play on the other side; To partake in the forbidden fruit. Yes I was wrong but it did teach me a lot and it opened my eyes to the big broad world of DOWNLOW. I became aware that GAY comes in many forms and really, being heterosexual, may even be the minority.

Trust me, Jason Collins has a lot of company in the league and I am sure he's already had a jersey or two, down on their knees. (or vice versa) There is nothing amazing about being gay and playing sports or being gay and writing a report. We can do anything you can do. What is important is that the world is finally baring witness to the fact that, WE ARE AMONG YOU and we are normally diverse in every way. We come in many forms and we are here to stay.

Eventually, GAY won't make the headlines, it will just be. An athlete will just show up to Mr. Chows with his boyfriend and the press will simply say, "Well I guess he's gay...in other news..."

But that day has not come and days like this are necessary. This is one small step for man, One giant step for GAY-KIND!

BLACKS BECOME WHITE FOR FAME

NeNe Leakes says, "White is Right"

Do you remember when Michael Jackson was Black? He sang with his brothers about the A,B,C's with his adorable brown face, bright eyes and huge afro; there was no question, he was Black. Do you remember when Lil Kim was a Black woman from Brooklyn? Do you remember when Queen Latifah spoke of unity in the Black community and rocked a headdress like an African Queen? And believe it or not, Nicki Minaj was a brown skinned girl from Trinidad just a few years ago.
We all watched these celebrities become vampires; pale and hungry looking. We watched as Michael Jackson blamed his straight black Indian hair, shrinking nose and overnight pale white skin on vitiligo. We experienced the nightmare that is Lil Kim. Her hardcore Brooklyn accent was replaced with the vernacular of a valley girl who danced with the stars as straight hair cascaded down her back. Once an AFRICAN QUEEN, Latifah has traded in the headdress for the cherry blonde weaves. She is now the queen of sell outs, not only hiding her blackness, but also her sexuality.
This is the status quo America. The protocol has been established. Black is not in, it never has and sadly, it will not be anytime soon. Nicki Minaj, a descendant of Africans, must be a Harujuku Barbi or a British homosexual boy to get endorsement deals and hit TV shows. None of her personalities consist of an African person. As she cakes on foundation ten shades lighter than the skin she hates, she becomes what the industry needs in order to properly market her for the mainstream. This is what happens to our people, we are signed for our talent but our talent is not enough, because our skin is not good enough. In order for us to crossover, we have to water down our Blackness. That's right Beyonce, Loreal doesn't sell products to Black women who love themselves. Photoshop that nose, lighten that skin and let the fan blow that silky straight blonde hair, romantically across your face. 

Another has joined their ranks. Born Linnethia Monique Johnson, NeNe Leakes was once a Black woman. Bravo found a sassy amazonian Black woman with ambitions to be famous. She would do anything for fame and fortune and anything to make a name for herself, outside of her husband. She became an instant favorite among notables like White news pundit, Anderson Cooper. NeNe's sassiness and keeping it real attitude gave her a platform and gave Bravo it's first superstar. It was no surprise that her best friend was a blonde white woman who kept a Black person as "The Help." It was no surprise that she wanted to look like this white woman. It was no surprise that as Mrs. NeNe ascended the ranks of fame and glory, her Blackness started to blur. She did everything, and I mean everything to rise to fame. She signed on to a racist White mans hit TV show called "The Apprentice" where she did nothing else but curse out and demean other Black women. One of those Black women, Latoya Jackson, is sadly who NeNe is to become. Completely white washed.
She passed the test there and the producers started calling. Nothing like a Black monkey who is willing to do tricks and entertain the white people. They treated her like Mr. Potatoe head and switched her nose, switched her hair and gave her a speech coach who no doubt taught her how to White-speak in interviews. Gone was the vernacular of a southern Black woman, it was softened to an easy proper delivery with an occasional "Bloop" and finger snap to remind the white people that she isn't one of their own. 
Today we have the new NeNe, complete with short Blonde hair, straight white teeth, a pointed nose, designer clothes and numerous contracts with White people. She performs for white people. Her new normal is pathetic. She has emasculated her Black king and Bravo made sure to showcase Gregg giving NeNe a foot rub and painting her nails like a bitch. We watched the finale as NeNe was carried into Kenya's party by shirtless Black men as pathetic weak Gregg followed behind. They don't like strong Black men, which is why all of the men on The Real Housewives of Atlanta are weak and beneath their women. 
Let's dissect the self-hatred of NeNe and the alarming subliminal messages the powers that be communicate through their puppet, Mrs. Leakes.
After she divorced Gregg who did she immediately run to? 
WHITE MEN.
We saw a White savior buy her designer shoes and jewelry. He was a "business partner" and friend of Donald Trump, the billionaire racist, the republican who thinks Obama isn't American and couldn't have possibly been a star student at an Ivy League institution. NeNe prided herself in getting those "Trump Checks," Bitch please.
I was alarmed when watching an episode of The Real Housewives of Atlanta back then to hear NeNe say, "White is RIGHT" when referring to her new White boyfriend who bought her at the slave auction. Stay with me people, a lot of you are in the dark. What is happening here is so real that it caused Dave Chapelle to run and hide in Africa. He wasn't about to be white washed and sold.
And now in season 5, at the reunion, we see this Black woman who has made herself appear as White as possible, call her old blonde best friend Kim Zolciak a racist. And what does she do only moments later? She embraces the racist. 
You see NeNe is not completely unaware of what is going on around her and neither are the other Black Queens of the Atlanta Housewives. Did you hear when Kandi talked to Kim about how she got preferential treatment? Geez, now that is surprising, a white woman getting preferential treatment on a White network...Kim didn't have to show up to tapings, she didn't have to go to Africa last year and didn't have to go to Anguilla this year. The entire season they debated about her being afraid to hold "black babies" which was true, and this season, Bravo conveniently edited out Kim uttering the word "NIGGER" on Primetime television. 
Do you think for a second that Bravo would allow any of those Black women to skip out on tapings and expect to return for another season? Of course not, much more get their own spin-off as "punishment..." Bitch please. The true Tea is that Kim was strategically placed on that show so that she could be a White victim. Stay with me now. Did she end up having any friends left on the show? It became a bunch of Black women against one White woman. One pulled at her wig, one had a physical altercation with her at Target and one is currently suing her. Need I say more? I don't think so. Kim's entire storyline became, "White woman in distress...Black women distressing her." 
So now that the evil Black women have ran Kim off the show, the evil Black women can fight with each other and Kim can run into the arms of her saving grace White husband. 
And the Black women exchange their catty words...crabs in a barrel. 
After fighting with Kandi over who said what on the radio, NeNe turned her attention to Phaedra. Instead of worrying over Phaedra trying to sabotage her, NeNe needs to look in the mirror at her chopped up face. She needed to have looked to her right into the eyes of Andy Cohen. NeNe sat up there and accused Phaedra of getting with Kim and "big-nosed Sheree" to talk to her half-sisters. Rewind...What did she say?
"BIG NOSED SHEREE...."
A Black woman with an obvious nose job, a blonde wig and roles on hit TV shows starring nothing but white people, calls another Black woman, "big nose."
Does NeNe have something against big noses? Of course she does, she chopped hers up as soon as the white man gave her a big enough check! 
What is alarming is that Black people aren't talking about this, aren't clocking her on the bullshit. No Black people, we celebrate this woman as if she's an Angela Davis of our time. We've traded the afro for blonde wigs and multi-million dollar contracts to act like clowns for white people's entertainment. 

There is nothing wrong with Sheree's nose, it is natural; but everything is wrong with NeNe's nose. Everything was wrong with Michael Jackson's nose. Everything is wrong with Lil Kim's nose. Everything is wrong with a comment like "Big Nose" because Michael Jackson said in an interview that he was often teased for his big black nose as a kid. That was the reason for his unfortunate plastic surgery obsession, thus the reason for his self-hatred. These messages are dangerous to our youth and it saddens me that having an African American nose is the punch line. 
Does NeNe hate herself? She hates who she really is, a scared Black woman who wants to be famous but has nothing to stand for. Being famous and standing for absolutely nothing but petty drama is nothing but emptiness. You can't possibly "keep it real" NeNe if you can't even keep it real with yourself. 
Black people have come so far but remain so far behind. If we can't celebrate our beauty, then please tell me, who will? 

'MARRIED TO MEDICINE' Angers Black Physicians

The Bravo network is no stranger to salacious programming that is chock full of table flipping and wig tugging. But the new series, Married to Medicine, about two black female doctors and four ratchet black women who are married to doctors, has stirred up accusations of irresponsible misrepresentation of an otherwise underrepresented group of people; Black physicians.

Only a couple episodes in, and a girl fight has already erupted! Two main characters on the show, Mariah and Toya, both married to doctors, couldn't hold their animosity toward each other in any longer at a party held by the only white character on the show, Kari, who is the wife of a doctor. Kari stood atop the patio of her backyard as she looked down at the black women who she looks down upon anyway. Mortified, she called the police on the two women who were suppose to be her "Friends" and had Mariah sent away nearly in handcuffs. This show sends a subliminal message that Black people are ghetto no matter how much money they may acquire or what further education they achieve. It tells a story of black people constantly at odds with each other while sophisticated classy white people look at them as if they are uncivilized baboons. 

Kari is above all the ghetto Black drama

Black physicians have recently started a petition for Bravo to take the show off the air, stating the show paints a negative and unfair portrait of African-American doctors and their social lives.

To the shows credit, it has depicted one of the main characters, Doctor Jacqueline Walters

in her crusade against breast cancer as a breast cancer survivor. She is often filmed from her office, caring diligently for her patients and working out at her local gym, never uttering a curse word and attempting to tame the other women. The other doctor, Dr. Simone, is a carefree, quirky doctor who doesn't mind a few glasses of wine and curse words. Her overbite lights up the screen as one of the villains of the show, Toya, sends her subliminal shade left and right.

Quad is another main character who is a wife to a psychiatrist. She's full of zest and wears her heart on her sleeve. It seems that Quad is one of the characters which Bravo seems to be promoting for super stardom as it often does with it's shows. I.E. Nene Leakes and Bethany Frankel. These sassy women have so much drama that it makes you wonder how they have time to even notice that they have husbands. 

One would not expect for a show about doctors and their spouses to have a plot line such as gossip in a beauty salon leading to a full out poolside brawl! As the black women brawled in ball gowns, Kari the Queen of England sent her soldiers and it was off with their heads. It was such an embarrassing moment for anyone of color and it sent a wave of uneasiness down my spine. I will admit, it was entertaining as hell and I got several laughs off of it, this show is anything but a proper documentary about the world surrounding doctors. 

For what it's worth, Bravo is a business only interested in the bottom line. That bottom line is and always has been RATINGS. Surely if anyone fancies watching attractive people in scrubs they can watch Greys Anatomy. But Black people aren't on television often without dysfunction and black people haven't had a lot of diverse roles on television either. COSBY was a ground breaking TV show about a Black upper middle class family supported by Bill Cosby, a doctor. Flash forward to today, Married to Medicine is a show about doctors of color and their spouses, it's a good thing right? Except the topic of doctors is rarely important to the plot as many of the scenes look like something out of Bad Girls Club or Jerry Springer.

Brawl in ball gowns at White doctors home

It's almost a wonder as to how such esteemed men could find themselves with women who chew gum at white napkin restaurants; Women who can't attend any function without a verbal or physical fight erupting. It would seem that this cast was hand picked to deliver a show which would fit a formula which has proven to be marketable and profitable. A musical chairs of catty women who belabor drama like Kenya Moore belabors her MISS USA title on The Real Housewives of Atlanta. 

In actuality, this show is the spitting image of The Real Housewives of Atlanta with a blonde white woman and a bunch of catty, loud black bitches with problems. The white woman always seems to have her shit together... however they always tend to be a hot mistress mess.

Dr. Jacqueline Walters

I hope it is possible someday for upstanding individuals of all races to be able to have a reality show which equates to strong ratings. I would hope that the masses would demand a little more substance and sophistication for their reality TV fix. But let's be honest, if it bleeds it feeds. People in media have to eat too and this is their bread and butter. If women fighting keeps Andy Cohen rich, then so be it. Too bad America has no interest in what goes on inside the politics of their nations capital enough to watch The Real Housewives of D.C.; cancelled after one season. Too boring for many because no one fought beyond a few high brow insults. 

In the meantime, Married to Medicine will get skyrocketing ratings and will be Bravo's latest Real Housewives of Atlanta, (RHOA) clone project. RHOA is Bravo's highest ever rated program to air and so it's a no-brainer that they would try and copycat that success. But they had to up the ante. The bitches had to brawl!

BRAVO: Home of GAYS and BITTER WOMEN

The Real Housewives franchise on the Bravo network has been a successful empire of catty women who would trade their first born for a chance at fame. It all started with a bunch of blonde tanning salon queens in Orange County, California. The franchise has exploded since then, now The Real Housewives of Atlanta is it's most profitable show. Andy Cohen, or "Mr. Bravo" as I call him, has pimped out legions of middle aged rich women with problems to finance his quest toward world domination. I have fallen victim to the mesmerizing allure of reality television with shows like Married to Medicine and Iyanla Vanzant: Fix My Life. These shows are chock full of the dysfunction I need to make my life seem a little more normal. I can't get enough of the cat fights on the housewives shows or the silly plot lines which would never happen in "reality." And we all know these shows are somewhat scripted or at least staged. People who don't get along are placed in awkward situations by producers and homes are rented for appearances. That cat was let out of the bag with Bravo's Real Housewives of Atlanta with just about every cast member at some point.
Speaking of Real Housewives of Atlanta, it seems that it was such a success, that Mr. Bravo had to repeat it. "Married to Medicine" is a clear rip-off of the show with a bunch of spoiled black women and one villain white woman. You have to wonder, what are these reality stars searching for? If they are already living a comfortable life, is it just fame they seek? If that's the case, it's a pretty desperate way to approach it. Is it worth being contracted to beat bitches upside the head and flip tables?

Being that I was on reality TV myself, I can't completely bash it. I just feel that it's become a bit redundant. When THE REAL WORLD premiered on MTV, it was a formula the world had never seen before. It was a look inside the lives of average people with had hopes, dreams and drama. What MTV started, was a culture of the celebration of dysfunction. Everyone has become desensitized to dysfunction in general because it's rewarded with red carpet treatment. Look at NeNe Leakes, Snooki and Honey Boo Boo child.
The reason I feature Bravo in this quick blog is because it seems to be a network obsessed with a certain formula of women in disrepair; and in my opinion, it leads the charge in making reality TV salaciousness, an unstoppable empire.

Bravo has done a lot for the gay community however, making an openly gay Jewish man it's leading man and bringing the subtle aspects of the gay culture into the mainstream. Showing off the different aspects of what a gay man could be, he could flip houses, be a married psychologist or own an entire television network. He could also wear red lipstick and stilettos and throw shade at anything that walks. (Miss Lawrence)

Teen murdered after Twitter argument over Beyonce

A Florida teenager, whose family asks that he remains anonymous, was murdered Monday, after a Twitter argument about Beyonce. The boy, aged 17, allegedly posted a tweet agreeing with R&B singer Keyshia Cole about the hypocrisy over singer, Beyonce's mixed messages when it comes to her song lyrics. "Beyonce says girls run the world one minute, then wants them to bow down to her the next," writes the teen in one tweet. A twitter war ensued between the boy and several of his followers, many of whom attended his school. The boys mother reported that the boy abruptly left the house after being on the family computer at about 4 p.m. and never returned home. Investigators are looking into the Twitter conversations and have good leads on suspects. The boy is survived by two older brothers aged 19 and 25.

I grew up in the height of the rap era. I'm talking real hip hop when LL Cool J licked his lips under that Kangol and DMX scared the living daylights out of me with an album cover of him covered in blood. Those were the days when rap wasn't just a genre of music, but it was a movement. It represented a culture. But things often got heated and rap was warfare. You didn't just have competition, you had enemies and your label was often times gang affiliated. You didn't just represent where you were from, you fought for it. When Biggie Smalls was murdered, it was a sure sign that things had gone too far. During the 90's, fans crossed into a dangerous place of obsession where they believed the enemies of their favorite rap star were there enemies as well. They even believed that an entire side of the country they lived in had to be obliterated. As the wars waged between the west and the east, families mourned their loved ones and music lost two great musical icons, Biggie Smalls and Tupac Shakur. 

Flash forward to 2013 and this same turbulent culture is evident even now in r&b music. Sure, singers are suppose to be calm cool and collected. They are suppose to make love not war but now and again, shots fire; And it's not just between the men, but between the women as well. Keyshia Cole has caused quite a stir with her controversial comments about Beyonce and Destiny's Child. With one tweet, she was able to mobilize an entire "Beehive" (Beyonce fans) into attacking her and anyone who supports her. Now we have a child dead over the silliness. We have young people who take celebrities so seriously, that they resort to crime to settle their petty difference of opinions. We have a media which exploits, fuels and encourages it. 

To be fair, Beyonce has not personally attacked anyone. (At least not by name) But her new song, "Bow Down Bitches" where she boasts about wearing the crown and curses like a drunk hoodrat, stirs an environment of hostility. Now Beyonce is by no way, shape or form responsible for anyone's murder, but she does bare responsibility in the type of messages she puts out. Telling people to bow down will surely anger some people and start heated arguments between fans. 

What a lot of people fail to realize is that young people are very impressionable and they take these pop stars very seriously. Whether they signed up for it or not, they are role models. A lot of kids do not mirror themselves after their parents but rather who they see on television. I know that was true for me when I was young watching Ally McBeal. (Don't ask) I know parents should be fully engaged in providing an example for their children but there is only so much you can do. Children will develop most of their opinions about life outside of the home. They will develop their entire personalities separate from the home as they figure out their sense of style and politics, all of which come from the media and pop culture.

I hope we can get to a place in our society where we are beyond this crabs in a barrel mentality. Where people can be proud of others successes  and where those who are on top can help bring others up with them. I too was confused by Beyonce's 180 switch. I thought at one point she wanted girls to run the world and was all about girl power and let's rock together. She's got a female band and emerged from a female girl group. But now she's commanding all of us to bow down and ignore anyone else who would dare take her spot. I feel this is dangerous for the fact that a child is dead. We seem to forget how powerful words can be and how seductively persuasive music artists can be for the youth. 

Children spend a lot of their time arguing over athletes and music artists. They spend too much of their time molding themselves around the beliefs of others and living vicariously through the lives of celebrities. This has exploded in the advent of reality television like Jersey Shore where young people are told that hard work isn't needed in life, all you need is an audition tape and many bottles of alcohol to be a star. You will be rewarded for your dysfunction (Teen Mom) and you will be popular if you act out of control. 

Beyonce has run the world for way too long. It is time for everyone to run the world. It is time for all of us to realize that we are all valuable and the accomplishments of others are just that, the accomplishments of others. You don't get to boast about someone else, go to war over someone else, you just get to prove yourself and rise to your own occasion. 

I didn't wake up in a new Bugatti, and that's FINE

Did you wake up in a new Bugatti today? Chances are, you didn't. There's a popular song that has taken over the airwaves entitled, "I woke up in a new Bugatti!" The auto-tuned rap song, which features rappers Future, Rick Ross and Ace Hood is another typical bottle poppin rap jingle which glorifies material wealth. The funny thing is, these rappers probably aren't super rich themselves. Rented Bugatti's in the video as well as loaned jewelry, they put on heirs with someone else's budget. Their roles are to bewitch the youth of our capitalistic society into the notion that money will bring you happiness, "bitches" and self worth. And with that money, there's no need to invest it into a good cause like starting a foundation or a home for a family you dream of starting, no; all you need to do is buy a Bugatti. But why wake up in a Bugatti, when you can wake up in a warm bed? It is a sad state of affairs when in this society, it is deemed more desirable to wake up in an expensive car than wake up in a warm bed in a one bedroom apartment. It is a sad state of affairs when artists like Beyonce claim that they can upgrade you with material things rather than upgrading someone with love and a deeper perspective on life.

As a Capricorn, I've always been rather frugal. When I get money, I am afraid to spend it because I enjoy the feeling of COLLECTING money and I am always paranoid of something happening tomorrow that will take away my money. So the more money I have in my reserves, the less of a sting something like a parking ticket will have. Of course, I am not rich, no where near being able to have disposable income, but I know that Bugatti's and shiny things aren't important to me. I never understood the fascination with expensive cars in the first place. Hell I've totaled three cars, but while I had my 05 Toyota Corolla, it got the job done. It may not have had a drop top, butterfly doors and one hundred dollar bills flying out of the exhaust pipe, but it was something that was mine. It was comfortable to ride in, good on gas and got my black ass from point A, to point B. See to me, a car is just a car, and I understand people have car fetishes where they dreamed of riding in a Ferrari ever since they rode their bike on training wheels.

But I just don't understand why we spend so much time worrying about the latest model, who else has it and how much it costs. Women can't just have a bag to put their shit in, they have to have a Hermes or a Coach bag. It has to have someone else's name on it, someone else's ego etched all over it. Don't you realize? This is THEIR wealth, not yours. You had to swipe your credit card to make THEM rich. At the end of the day, all you are carrying in that five hundred dollar bag is condoms, tampons and lipstick. You aren't carrying THE HOLY GRAIL.

I need for everyone to just take a long seat and understand that life is about THE LITTLE THINGS as India Airie sang when she had a career. I cannot express to you how euphoric it is to bite into a well seasoned, juicy grilled cut of zucchini on a skewer in the summer with friends who love me. The taste of my mothers sweet mint tea and the way the summer sun reflects off the ice cubes through the glass. How about those worn down slippers that fit just right. They are so comfortable and like a second skin, but they look a hot mess. But see you don't care, because they feel like home. That is what life is about. Laughing until your stomach hurts, rolling around in the grass with your dog and staring into a pair of eyes which love you unconditionally. Wealth is nothing but the accumulation of shit which has no soul, no heartbeat, it's just a security blanket. Yes we need money to survive, we need money to pay our bills and we need money to feed our children. If you have a dream, any dream, you need money to achieve it. You can't be a successful singer one day if you don't buy up some studio time to record a mixtape or demo. You can't be a successful lawyer if you don't spend money on law school. Money makes things happen but it doesn't make things easier. If money is your PURPOSE THAT DRIVES YOU, then you will NOT be successful. What should drive you is aiming for the form of happiness which will make you feel loved, secure and at peace. Striving for a mansion is empty, however, striving for a HOME to create memories in, is purposeful. If you build a mansion of wealth, all you may end up with is a bunch of walls with no one at the dinner table who gives a damn. The common story for a lot of the elite in interviews is that the grass isn't greener on the other side. P. Diddy said, (am I really quoting him?) "Mo money more problems" The common story for the elite is that they had the most fun when they were poor and trying to make it.

Fergie's song "Glamourous" illustrates how she fondly remembers the drive-thru at Taco Bell with a Mustang full of friends. I guess my point is that materialism evades a sense of self identity. If we all have a Bugatti, then what's the big deal? If we strive for it, then what makes your dreams so unique and what makes you deserving? If we all wear Tommy Hilfigure, then what happens to the idea of fashion being an art form? It's not art if it becomes commonplace. So before you dream of waking up in a NEW BUGATTI, why don't you work on waking up to begin with. Open your eyes to the splendid wonders of this earth. There is so much you have already been given. You have so many talents and there are so many amazing things you can do in this world without decorating yourself with other people's dreams. What is beautiful to you? What is happiness to you? I guarantee you, it's not 24 inch spinners or a mansion full of whores. It's something deeper. Don't dig for gold, dig for souls. We are not here for the objects of this world but for the but for the life force that is NOT OF this world. Too many of us have fallen victim to the sell spell, to the notion that THE WORLD IS TO GIVE US what we need when in actuality, we are here to give IT WHAT IT NEEDS. We are the seeds. Unfortunately for many of us, we have forgotten to germinate.
The world will not water us if we aren't even aware that we are seeds and refuse to plant ourselves firmly in that belief. This world can give you Bugatti's but what it cannot give you is LIFE. You create that for yourself and you radiate it outward so that others can catch it. When all is said and done, it won't matter about the bank statements, what will matter, is the statement you made to this world.